My anxiety is society’s dream.

Lately, I’ve been struggling to think of my professional life. It’s something that always gave me anxiety and made me find paths where I didn’t need to think about my future as a professional.

But today, back in Montreal, I’m looking for a job so I can renew my visa and work here legally. This made me face my discomfort, “serious jobs”. Those things that we think we want, but it’s only what society taught us to want. A working-class that work in an office, getting stressed, begin for the weekend to come and getting sad because it’s already Sunday.

My parents had big expectations on me, to find myself one of those. A nice status. So they would fill their chest with proud before saying what kind of fancy job their daughter was doing. This expectation goes for generations, way before mine.

How can I disassociate myself of something that is rooted in my family, my society for so many years? Something I was taught was “the right thing”, the safe decision. I wanna say fuck “staying safe”, but I can’t. Deep down, this external expectation doesn’t let me be.

I know some things that make me happy to be doing them, some paths I could follow, but damn there’s so much fear. Fear to start over and waste time. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of finding myself still trying to figure out me after my 30s.

I was reading a book in the metro today that says everything we think we want is actually a product of society’s dream. It takes effort to really find who we are and what we enjoy, what we want. Because what they say is not usually what we want deep down, we get anxious, lost, depressed, critical with ourselves… In other words, my anxiety is a product of society’s dream.

After this reading, I felt so heard and seeing. I always knew this was something external. But the made it okay to let go of that shit and start being who you really, sorry for the cliches.

I guess now my journey is to rediscover myself, but this time without the society’s pressure pushing me against the wall. Because I know this pressure is not mine, I can let go of whenever I want.

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